The Importance of Getting to Know People You Don’t Know
As the excitement of the holiday season begins to wane, it isn’t uncommon for the toll of the winter weather to start to weigh us down a bit. With the threat of another lockdown looming over our heads, we may also start to feel a bit lonely. This Psychology Today article, written by Paula Davis J.D., M.A.P.P., explains how speaking to people we normally wouldn’t can be beneficial.
View the article in its entirety here.
What stops us from talking to strangers
Human beings are hardwired to seek out others, so what makes talking to strangers so difficult? Despite the fact that many of us have been told by our parents and teachers to never talk to strangers, the simple answer is our own assumptions stop us.
Epley and his colleagues found that participants: (1) assumed that starting conversations would be more difficult than ending them; (2) expected that only a small percentage of people would be willing to talk to them; and (3) had uncertainty about others’ interest or willingness to engage in conversation. These assumptions created a fear of being rejected or being perceived as impolite; yet, the study participants discovered the exact opposite in all three respects.
Unfortunately, these assumptions are likely to be self-fulfilling: Believing that others are unwilling to connect keeps you from trying and thus learning that many strangers are actually open to having conversations. The pandemic doesn’t make this easier, and safety and personal distancing rules matter.
Benefits of talking to strangers
Personally, talking to strangers has made my life better in ways I never anticipated. Most of my talking-to-strangers interactions happen when I’m traveling, particularly with cab drivers. I taught a workshop at Harvard Law School several years ago, and a cab driver named Jean picked me up at my B&B to take me to the airport. We talked about politics, my business, and our families. He’s now a good friend.
My cab driver in London taught me a key lesson about relationships during our 45-minute ride. He asked me what I did for a living; we talked about my work, and then he shared the painful story of his divorce. He told me that the biggest lesson he learned (too late) was the importance of accountability—being willing to show up day in and day out with your partner to put in the relationship work. I will carry that lesson with me into future relationships.
Traffic in Los Angeles can be a nightmare, but my Uber driver and I passed the time talking about our mutual love of music and singing Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.”
One NYC cab driver told me about how he had previously owned several Subway restaurants. His parents died within a month of each other, and he was overcome by grief. He sold the restaurants and decided to start driving a cab to interact with people in order to better cope with the loneliness and grief he was feeling.
Most conversations will only be just a few minutes of polite chitchat. And yes, you might get ignored. But it only takes a short time to make a lasting impact on someone’s life. We are in the middle of a loneliness crisis, made worse by the pandemic. Our world feels more divided with each passing day, yet conversations with strangers have helped me see that we are far more alike than what news reports would have us believe. We all experience love, grief, relationship struggles, work struggles, obstacles, and all parents just want what’s best for their kids, regardless of circumstance. Assuming the appropriate comfort level and general pandemic rules, the holiday season is a great time to start a conversation with a stranger. You never know where it might lead.